Is it Hate, Disagreement or Something Else?
Can we find mutual purpose?
A well-known quote attributed to John Wesley and likely derived at least in part from his writing encourages us to “Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as ever you can.”
To summarize, everyone, everywhere, needs our goodness. We should start offering that goodness as soon as possible and continue to do so indefinitely. I’ve been thinking about this lately.
Assume good intent
For the past few years, I’ve worked part time to provide training for the staff of non-profit organizations and public service agencies in the area of human resources. Whether the topic of discussion is professional practices or strategies for building an effective workplace climate, the training nearly always emphasizes the importance of assuming good intent when conflict arises.
My world, much like yours, is filled with anxious people wary of the others around them. They draw careful perimeters that keep them connected with media that confirms their opinion and friends that agree with those opinions. And it isn’t just this confirmation bias they seek. What their bias confirms is strident warnings and alarms that fortify a belief that those who disagree are malicious, even dangerous. In a reversal of the Bible’s instruction* to the contrary, they rejoice when their adversary weeps, and weep when their adversary rejoices.
They or We?
This might be a good place to pause and discuss pronouns. And by pronouns I don’t mean the he/she controversy of our day. The pronouns I’m thinking of are we/they. In the previous paragraph I count nine references to they/them. Let’s adjust pronouns and take another look.
My world, much like yours, is filled with anxious people wary of the others around us. We draw careful perimeters that keep us connected with media that confirms our opinion, and friends that agree with those opinions. And it isn’t just this confirmation bias we seek. What our bias confirms are not just ideas, but strident warnings and alarms that fortify a belief that those who disagree are malicious, even dangerous. In a reversal of the Bible’s instruction to the contrary, we rejoice when our adversary weeps, and weep when our adversary rejoices.
I’m pretty sure that you, like me, want to quickly point out that there really are harmful ideas and dangerous situations. Granted. My point is not to abandon those things I truly believe, but that I should recognize the possibility that there may be more than I know about either the situation or the person with another viewpoint. I do not mean to say that we should overlook differences or diminish concerns. I’m not even arguing that good intentions alleviate the potential harm that can be caused by bad policy. What I am talking about is the importance of assuming good intent when conflict arises.
When I’m frustrated by someone’s insistence that I change my beliefs, or hurt by an adversary’s personal attack, it’s easy to respond with argument or pejorative labels. Easy, but seldom helpful. Assuming good intent creates a pathway to explore my opponent’s intentions. If I choose a “tell me more” or “help me understand” posture and the confrontation transforms to dialog, we may discover specific areas of mutuality. It is only after we’ve tested this option that we can conclude the other’s intent is hostile or intractable.
Photo by Brendan Church on Unsplash
A lesson from AppleTV
I’ve been binge watching the Apple TV show Trying. This comedy tells the story of Jason and Nikki, a couple that are trying to have a baby, but without success. They finally turn to adoption, facing the challenges of social services and the insecurity of caring for children placed temporarily in their home. When Princess and her little brother Tyler come to stay with them, they are hoping for a permanent life together, but the courts will make a final decision after weeks and even months of trial placement.
Like any good TV show, Trying needs an antagonist. This role falls to the children’s biological grandmother, a peevish woman who brings a complaint against Jason and Nikki. Of course, they are hurt and offended by her accusations. They know how hard they are trying (yes, the title carries many meanings) and her attacks are unfair.
For me, the best feature of this show is the character of Nikki. She is a fascinating combination of initial insecurity transformed into robust, warmhearted resilience. She is often afraid, but she shows up anyway. She and Jason have their day in court, and they listen as the children’s grandmother details their supposed failings and faults. Jason offers a spirited rebuttal, and the judge calls for a recess as the children’s fate hangs in the balance.
Despite her own grief and fear, Nikki puts herself in the grandmother’s shoes. Reflecting on the tone of the hurtful words she has just endured, she recognizes more sadness than anger. Acting on this insight she says to Jason, “It isn’t that she hates us, it’s that she loves them.”
The show is a comedy, so in keeping with the genre, perhaps the resolution is a bit too easy, but the substance of the happy ending is solid. Both the loving couple and the grandparent mutually prioritize the children’s best interest.
It all turned on the moment when Nikki recognized the unspoken purpose behind the grandmother’s behavior.
The problems I am facing today are not trivial. And chances are that those who disagree with me on important points are making assumptions about me that are not fair. As I recommit to living my faith fully, I’m trying, like Nikki, to look for the unspoken longing behind their words and actions.
It may just be that they don’t hate me, but that we both love something we’re trying to defend. And so, I reflect again on the message I take away from the opening quotation. Everyone, everywhere, needs our goodness. We should start offering that goodness as soon as possible and continue to do so indefinitely.
*Romans 12:15