Have you ever felt left out? Disrespected?
Rejection can inspire a renewal of dignity and respect
At eight years of age, I packed up for church camp for the first time. My family’s lack of both funds and camping equipment made it necessary to send me with a bedroll wrapped in a colorful quilt. My bedding was different, and it felt like I was different too. But it turned out that my blanket was just the beginning of my concerns. Arriving late, I was assigned the last open bunk space next to the best known and, at least to me, best dressed of all the campers. She had already spread her things across both spaces. She didn’t plan to move them, and my counselor bowed to her intimidation. My quilt and I squeezed into a double mattress sized space for the week, sharing it with two other girls.
The message seemed clear. “There’s no place for you here.”
I’ve been thinking lately about the core values that I look to when it feels like I’ve lost my way. One of those values is belief in the absolute worth of every person. I aspire to share this conviction in my words and actions even when I fall short of this standard in daily living.
I’m sure that my temperament, my teachers, and the values my parents and even my church impressed on me partially explain why I seek to recognize the fundamental worth of the people around me. But I am also convinced that the degree to which I hold this value was significantly intensified by my sense of exclusion at that camp. I remember how bad it felt to feel left out. I don’t want anyone to feel that way.
I’ve lived long enough to know that life is a lot more complicated than just sharing space at church camp or sleeping without a brightly colored kid’s bag from REI. Many children have suffered far worse than I have.
Whether the degree of marginalization is slight or traumatic, the pain of rejection is not just a hostility against its target, it is like an autoimmune assault on the intimidator’s humanity as well. Our propensity to sort others into categories and decide who’s needs are worthy of our time, resources and attention excludes life-giving relationship from ourselves as well as from others.
Childlike lessons
I’ve spent enough time in schools to know that the things we impress on young children are life lessons that adults often fail to embrace for ourselves.
If you’ve been to a kid’s birthday party, chances are you’ve heard the hosting parent remind their child to make sure everyone gets a turn to play, or to serve all their guests before they gobble down their own cake.
Spend an afternoon at a playground and you’re likely to hear an adult admonishing their child to resolve a conflict by listening to everyone’s ideas and using kind words.
How are these lessons working out for us? A few minutes on cable news or social media is enough to convince me that in the “leaving others out” category we would all benefit from listening to the advice we give to children.
Everyone is my neighbor
When I stepped into an administrative role in schools, my mentor advised me to communicate dignity and respect in every interaction. He explained that I might be forced to impose limits in a situation or to disagree with someone, but those I would be addressing would continue to be part of the community I had come to serve. While our formal relationships might increase or decrease, we would continue to be neighbors within a shared community.
We teach children that interdependence is learned in our families and extends to our communities. As adults we come to realize that In a geopolitical world where business, travel and resources cross every boundary, we are all interdependent neighbors.
Important things can be hard to do
Following my ill-fated introduction to church camp, I managed to survive a jumbled childhood and adolescence with enough confidence to graduate, chose a career and raise a family. Credit goes to my imperfect though caring, parents, teachers, pastors and mentors who stood up for me when I couldn’t stand up on my own. Who shared resources I didn’t have. Who overlooked, and forgave, and intentionally thought the best of me.
My heart is broken in these days as I hear whole people groups denigrated and scapegoated while their contributions to our society are rejected. But my reaction to this heartbreak carries a danger of its own. If I am convinced of the worth of every person, that commitment extends to those I disagree with, even to those who hurt me.
No discussion of the propensity to leave others out is authentic without acknowledging how difficult it is to offer dignity and respect in the middle of disagreement and even persecution. There is much to say about the power of love to overcome the oppression of marginalization and tribalism. More than the scope of this writing.
But as we conclude I want to point to the essential need for dignity, respect and love in a life of faith when it is fully lived.
Rejecting others by characterizing them as unworthy of our time, resources, and attention perpetuates a force that destroys from within. Love, even for those we see as enemies has the opposite effect.
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr in a 1957 message preached at Dexter Avenue Baptist Church reflected on Jesus’ call to love our enemies.
Many would go so far as to say that it just isn’t possible to move out into the actual practice of this glorious command. They would go on to say that this is just additional proof that Jesus was an impractical idealist who never quite came down to earth. So, the arguments abound. But far from being an impractical idealist, Jesus has become the practical realist. The words of this text glitter in our eyes with a new urgency. Far from being the pious injunction of a utopian dreamer, this command is an absolute necessity for the survival of our civilization. Yes, it is love that will save our world and our civilization, love even for enemies.
Who is worthy of respect and dignity? Even in the face of difficult problems, limited resources, and competing interests, the answer is everyone.